How to win an argument with a teenager

These are steps or things you could do to make you win an argument with a teenager With thanks to Alison Roy, a child and adolescent psychotherapist

1 One thing that’s hard to understand – for parents and teenagers – is the hypothalamus reaction. This is when you get an extreme reaction that can happen quickly, in reaction to very little or even nothing. This explains why one minute you seem to have a reasonable child and the next, bam. Neural pathways go through a reordering in adolescence. There’s not much point trying to have a calm discussion during these “storms”. Just as you might defer a walk during a downpour, wait for the storm to pass before resuming a more reasonable discussion. During these explosive times, it feels, to the teen, that they are “fighting for their lives”.
2 Don’t be afraid to have a row – some adolescents say they actually like arguing sometimes because it enables them to put their point of view across and “things can’t get any worse”. In other words, especially if you have a fairly reasonable child, an argument may be the only time they can tell you how they really feel.
3 Never underestimate how powerfully they can be attracted to another teenager, or how much they may want a possession. If you’re arguing about this and get between your teenager and the object of their desire (real, imagined or consumer goods) you will come out badly unless you handle things carefully. Try to apply “logical parenting” – look at the real risks (not just those you fear) and at how your child usually handles similar situations. If they are normally responsible you can afford to give them a bit more freedom, if not you can feel confident in saying no.
4 In response to “you don’t understand/you don’t know what I’m talking about”, avoid saying “I do, I went through similar”. Instead, try something like: “OK, maybe I don’t, but help me understand.” Teenagers are so used to being told what to do by adults that this may stop them in their tracks. And you might learn something.
5 Never lose sight of what they are trying to communicate to you, even in a row. That rabid desire for the latest computer game? It may be a sign that real life is too stressful and they need an escape. Use phrases like “what would that mean to you?” or “what would happen if you didn’t get it?” to ascertain why it matters. Even if you then say no (and it is not only OK to say no, but necessary at times), they will have felt listened to.
6 Don’t try to win every argument if your teen has a point. If you want them to grow up with good critical-thinking skills, they need to learn that they are listened to and, at times, may be right. Instead of saying, “that’s my decision and that’s the end of the matter” try deferring the discussion for a time when you can both calmly talk about it. If something keeps coming up, it’s obviously important. For instance, it may be less about that individual party they want to go to and more the subject of how much freedom your teen has. Say, “look, this obviously really matters to both of us, let’s continue to discuss it on Saturday morning (or whenever).” Another good phrase is “I really want to give this some thought, so let’s talk about it on X” – some decisions do take careful thought and it’s really important to “model” this to your teen.
7 Know your child and never be afraid of them. Don’t be put off by the grunts and silence. Keep working at it and don’t just leave them to it. Teenagers need their parents just as much as ever, just in different ways: they need them not to be intrusive or controlling. Strike when the iron is cold – don’t discuss important issues when you’re both really angry. If you feel rejected by your teen, you may need to do some work on yourself.
8 If the argument is getting very emotional, try introducing a practical element such as “what time did you say the party was?” or “what does that game do?” It can trigger the hypothalamus reaction into “calm” mode (or calmer).
9 Don’t be afraid to allow humour into a row. If you are screaming at each other, humour can be a great defuser and teenagers love an adult who can have a laugh at themselves (don’t laugh at them, though, or you’ll have another row on your hands).
10 However big they seem, whatever they say – they need you. Never issue an ultimatum unless you can safely carry it out and never use love as a bargaining tool. “I’m getting out of your face, but not out of your life and this is where I’ll be when you want to talk” is a great thing to say if the row has run out of traction.